You Are Not There

I swear you are not there. You are not on my mind. I'm not thinking about you like pens think about ink. I am not writing your name on my wrists anymore. The ink has faded.

 

I'm not thinking about you like roses think about thorns. You are not pricking my finger and drawing my love. Just blood and pain.

You're not on my mind like tear drops think about falling. But they are falling, staining my face.

I'm not thinking about you like flames think about growing. Like Heaven thinks about Hell  I'm not thinking about you like poets think about their typewriters. Not like time thinks about passing by.

Your name is buried deep in the soil. The soils of my heart. But I swear you are not here in my mind. The sound of your name doesn't give me butterflies. Only ravens wings.

I don't think about you like snow thinks about white. I'm not thinking about you like birds think about flying. Like feathers think of falling.
. Like swings think of swinging. It's not happening. It's not happening, I swear.

But yet at times, I'm thinking about you like breath thinks about oxygen. Like hearts think about beating. Like, like black thinks about white.

I think about you like ink thinks about fading.

And I am reminded, that I don't think about you, I swear.
 

Tired

The air is filled with emotion, I feel as though I can't breath.
My brain is bursting. Too many thoughts are rushing around, and I am starting to get dizzy.
It seems like someone could highlight me and with a push of a button I will be deleted.

There are so many personalities floating around, and I am caught in the middle.
I need sleep, sleep for the next thousand years. But even then that wouldn't be enough.

I'm tired

Tired of yelling

Tired of crying

Tired of being sad

Tired of being alone

Tired of pretending

Tired of feeling worthless

Pain seems to be the only thing telling me I am alive.
I wish I could sprout wings and fly, fly south for the winter.
Fly south from the sorrows.

Things That Bug The Freaking Crap Out of Me

1. People driving 45 in a 45 (Drive faster!!)

2. Acting cool around someone you like. (Act like yourself! Don't try to impress, just be you!)

3. When people talk during a movie (Shut up!)

4. Couples (If I was with someone I wouldn't mind so much)

5. My sisters.....yup

6. People asking me the same question a million times when I have already answered them.

7. Valentines Day. (It is so pointless)

8. People standing in the middle of the hall ways....Move!!

9. Hypocrites (I stand in the middle of the hall too) 

10. Writing an essay and the teacher deciding they aren't going to collect it.

11. Others cutting in front of me.

12. Standing in lines. (Disneyland)

13. When I sit down and someone asks me to do something. (I just sat down for Pete's sake)

14. When I can't find the remote.

15. Lying.

16. Calling a girl "chick". (Really?)

17. Cleaning my room.

18. When people repeat the same things over and over. (Daja vu)

19. Judging others.

20. Some people in general. (Why are you so full of yourself?)

21. Texting someone and them not replying.

22. People ignoring you.

23. Traffic. (That's a given)

24. Wearing shoes. (Can't we all just walk barefoot or in socks)

25. Pretending to be something you're not.

Guarding

Shinning through the darkness

I live in you

I live in your dreams

Showing you the path

A spotlight on you

A lighthouse

No one understands me

But I am always there for you

Even if you don't see me

I am a guardian

A protector

Guarding you against the shadows

Against the nightmares

Hiding my love through the light

Leading you home

Understand

I am living in darkness

There is no life, no light

Just shadows

Shadows of my past, and the horrors of my future

Where do I turn

How do I get out

I am drowning in my sorrows

Air doesn't exist 

Failure is all I have ever known

Why do I try

The more I try, the harder life gets

Deeper I fall into an abyss 

I'm fighting

Fighting to keep sane

To keep from falling apart

Trying to keep the pieces of my heart together 

I never made my canvas bright and beautiful 

It always stayed stained

Stained with black charcoal 

Scarred,beautiful, pained, hurt, depressed

I am something you can't fix

I am tired and unmotivated

I am sick of feeling like a failure

I  will try to  hide how damaged I've become

The shadows have become home

Happiness is just a place to visit

I know it is a wonderful world

But I just can't feel it

I'm often silent

When I'm screaming inside

I can't fear death

When I've died a thousand times

Sometimes it hits me out of nowhere

All of a sudden an overwhelming sadness

I feel hopeless, sad and hurt

And once again I am numb to the world

And yet again

I find myself sitting alone

With nothing to hear but the sound of my heart 

Aching with every beat and breath I take

Sunset Post

"nothing makes sense anymore

My head is under water and they tell me to breath easy?
The water is over powering. The passion gets deeper. The fire is overwhelming.
I heard the sound of myself breaking this time. I believed the hurricane would let me out alive.

Something was doing cartwheels in my mouth. Do you know that feeling?
I got scared and breathed so deep I thought I drowned. I started crying (thawing outside the lines.)

The story has dust on it now. Hello to high and dry.

I learned to live with the pain.
The stings. The numbness. The screams. The silence. The emptiness. This torched soul has been on this earth too long. Fighting to keep sane. I am the rain drop that you follow with your eyes as it slides down the car window during a rain storm.
The falling. The helplessness. The eventual death.

My bones know I am depressed and they use it against me. What do I do now? I am running on low. The emptiness is filling up quickly.

 I am drawing lines and circles and nothing makes sense anymore. My heart drips with despair and my fingers limp with loneliness. I am in a daze more than I breath. I have fought so much. 
My soul is tired. My body is fired. My emotions are done. My mental state is gone.
My head is spinning in circles, and a pounding migraine comes on. But it doesn't effect me. It is nothing new. I don't even know what life is anymore.

 No more passion. No more desire. No more love. No more hope.

So tie me to a post. Wipe away my past. I will give in. Then give me strengththrough pain.
I might be hollow but I am brave. I don't know how I have come this far, even if all I have done is taken one step in life since the day I was born.

Only if you knew. If only you knew."

-Sunset

Through My Eyes

Heart

Through my eyes

Deep inside, where my life beats

There is soft sand in between toes

And waves crashing down

There is art and music

Swirling and twirling 

Mixing and creating

Ready to shine through

There are the suns rays

And rainstorms 

Each taking a turn

Waiting, waiting

Deep inside, where my life beats

There is a child 

Wishing, hoping, praying

To break free of the chains

What's in my heart?

Life, light, and pain 

Pieces put together

Creating one

Flashing Red and Blue

I am going to start with a story; A story about a young girl and how her life changed forever.

Once upon a time, on a cloudy and rainy day; a seven year old girl woke up and went downstairs. It was just her mother and her downstairs, for the others were still asleep. Her dad was away on a business trip. It started out as any other day, but what she didn't know was it was about to take a turn for the worst. 

The door bell rang.

The little girl ran to the door to see who it was. Flashing red and blue lights were shinning through the windows. She wondered why. As she opened the door, there were two police officers standing there. They looked down and said sadly, "Is your mom here?" The little girl yelled to her mom to come to the door. And the moment her mom laid eyes on the men, she burst into tears.

The police came in and sat down on the couch with the little girl and her mother sitting across from them. By then the other two little girls were awake and sitting on their mom's lap. But the seven year old still didn't know what was going on.

Then the police started out, "We are sorry to inform you..."

These next words would change this family forever. For they had just learned that their husband and father had died in a car accident. For the younger ones they didn't understand, but the seven year old knew exactly what that meant. Her and her mother sat there crying at the news.

After some time the police stood, gave their apologizes again and left the family's home.

This would be the first of many deaths in this young girls life.

I could say that I didn't cry while writing this, but that would be a lie. It's hard to lose a parent so young. 

Now you might be wondering what happened to this family. They made it through this hard time, but not without receiving scars in the process. And the seven year old girl? Well wouldn't you like to know;)