Realization

Control has melted away. Scars of tears rolling down my face. I can't seem to hold them in, no matter how hard I try. I always thought I was strong, that I could get through anything.

I. Was. Wrong.

I have tried to be strong for far too long. I use to pride myself for not crying. Now it is my only relief and it comes more often now then ever before.

To others I am happy, joyful, and fun. But to myself, I am a lonely, miserable, unhappy girl. One who has mountains of inner turmoil. 

No one knows I cry myself to sleep almost every night. No one knows what is really on my mind. No one seems to know me.

No one.

For once I want someone to ask me how I'm doing, and know that I'm lying when I say "I'm fine"

No, I am not tired all the time! I'm f-ing depressed!!!! 

I am finally admitting that to myself. I am depressed, and I don't know how to get out of it. I don't know what makes me really happy anymore.

Get It Out

Get it out! Get out this pain in my head and in my chest Just set me free!

Let me dream, let me rise.

I just want to dream with my eyes open. But my head pounds and it wont stop. It is pumping the pain through my veins, my hands starting to shake. 

Control doesn't exist.

Control doesn't exist.

Who I am.

I'm not good at expressing my feelings, so I keep everything bottled inside. Half the time I want to tell someone what is going on within me, but I honestly have no idea how to describe it..So I stay quiet.

But not today

Today, I feel lost inside myself. I am locked up inside my mind.

Hurt and confused.

Everyday I try to tell myself it is a new day, a new beginning. Take a deep breath and start again.

But the words never seem to sink in. My mind can't grasp them.

And I feel lost again. Broken.

Then

A whisper from your lips roars in my subconscious.

Reminding me of who I am.

I am strong. Left with the scars of the past.

People are not mirrors. They see completely different than the way I see myself. It doesn't matter what they think. What matters is what I feel about myself.

Life is short. There is no time to leave important words unsaid.

Every time I write, I express a part of myself. I expose another piece of my heart. I write what I feel. And that scares the shit out of me. 

To be stripped down and genuine. My writing can reveal that. When my mouth can't.

It can reveal how I continue to struggle and bleed from the inside. Breaking. Trying not to let others see. Showing those scars, that will never go away. But reminds me of why I am here.

An arrow can only be shot by pulling backwards. Life drags you back with difficulties. Imagine it is going to launch you into something great. Something beautiful.

Live for those moments.

You can't have a better tomorrow, if you are thinking about yesterday all the time.

Life is like a camera...focus on what's important, capture the good times, develop from the negatives, and if things don't work out, take another shot.

Forget what hurt you but never forget what it taught you.

Never forget,

Never forget

This is a story that I have never told. And will probably never tell.

I;ve got shame, I've got some scars that I will never show.

I'm a survivor. In more ways than you will ever know.

I will never forget all the pain and the hardships I have had to deal with. Those scars will be there forever. And I will always have a hole in my heart, that may never be filled in. Pain takes time to heal. But that is okay, because I will be alive.

I fall, I rise. I make mistakes. I live, I learn. I've been hurt, but I am alive. I'm human, I'm not perfect. 

I am me.