Forever Alone

Will I be alone forever?

Will I ever find love?

Right now I believe the answer to be no.

Right now I believe this to be impossible.

No man will ever love me.

Love is not like what you read in books. 

And though books are where you escape to, they also lie.

The unpopular girl never gets the guy.

There are no soul mates or significants.

It is all just a bunch of Bullshit.

They make you want a storybook love, but it doesn't exist.

It doesn't exist in reality.

Never will.

At least not for me.

Realization

Control has melted away. Scars of tears rolling down my face. I can't seem to hold them in, no matter how hard I try. I always thought I was strong, that I could get through anything.

I. Was. Wrong.

I have tried to be strong for far too long. I use to pride myself for not crying. Now it is my only relief and it comes more often now then ever before.

To others I am happy, joyful, and fun. But to myself, I am a lonely, miserable, unhappy girl. One who has mountains of inner turmoil. 

No one knows I cry myself to sleep almost every night. No one knows what is really on my mind. No one seems to know me.

No one.

For once I want someone to ask me how I'm doing, and know that I'm lying when I say "I'm fine"

No, I am not tired all the time! I'm f-ing depressed!!!! 

I am finally admitting that to myself. I am depressed, and I don't know how to get out of it. I don't know what makes me really happy anymore.

Get It Out

Get it out! Get out this pain in my head and in my chest Just set me free!

Let me dream, let me rise.

I just want to dream with my eyes open. But my head pounds and it wont stop. It is pumping the pain through my veins, my hands starting to shake. 

Control doesn't exist.

Control doesn't exist.

Who I am.

I'm not good at expressing my feelings, so I keep everything bottled inside. Half the time I want to tell someone what is going on within me, but I honestly have no idea how to describe it..So I stay quiet.

But not today

Today, I feel lost inside myself. I am locked up inside my mind.

Hurt and confused.

Everyday I try to tell myself it is a new day, a new beginning. Take a deep breath and start again.

But the words never seem to sink in. My mind can't grasp them.

And I feel lost again. Broken.

Then

A whisper from your lips roars in my subconscious.

Reminding me of who I am.

I am strong. Left with the scars of the past.

People are not mirrors. They see completely different than the way I see myself. It doesn't matter what they think. What matters is what I feel about myself.

Life is short. There is no time to leave important words unsaid.

Every time I write, I express a part of myself. I expose another piece of my heart. I write what I feel. And that scares the shit out of me. 

To be stripped down and genuine. My writing can reveal that. When my mouth can't.

It can reveal how I continue to struggle and bleed from the inside. Breaking. Trying not to let others see. Showing those scars, that will never go away. But reminds me of why I am here.

An arrow can only be shot by pulling backwards. Life drags you back with difficulties. Imagine it is going to launch you into something great. Something beautiful.

Live for those moments.

You can't have a better tomorrow, if you are thinking about yesterday all the time.

Life is like a camera...focus on what's important, capture the good times, develop from the negatives, and if things don't work out, take another shot.

Forget what hurt you but never forget what it taught you.

Never forget,

Never forget

This is a story that I have never told. And will probably never tell.

I;ve got shame, I've got some scars that I will never show.

I'm a survivor. In more ways than you will ever know.

I will never forget all the pain and the hardships I have had to deal with. Those scars will be there forever. And I will always have a hole in my heart, that may never be filled in. Pain takes time to heal. But that is okay, because I will be alive.

I fall, I rise. I make mistakes. I live, I learn. I've been hurt, but I am alive. I'm human, I'm not perfect. 

I am me.

Stronger

I am searching for the true me. I am the ghost of who I use to be, living half alive.

Feeling so small.

I need to change before it is too late. No more wishing on stars. It never works anyways.

Maybe my hero is just running late. Maybe he is busy saving the world. Saving everyone else but me. Well I am tired of waiting for him to come and save me. 

Screw him. 

I will save myself. Leave the dragon sleighing to me. I will escape my tower to be depressed somewhere else.

I am t.o.r.n.

I have a war in my mind and I am a prisoner.

Rainstorms are clouding over my heart, not letting the sun shine through. 

Holding my breath. Waiting to eventually feel the rays on my skin. 

Waiting, waiting, waiting.

Ice is starting to cover my soul, threatening to crack into pieces. But is it even worth saving?

Stumbling and falling. Each day leaving another scar. Will they ever fade? Will they ever change from this crimson color? 

I clench my fist making sure I am really alive. Time is passing by in a blur. I want to smash the clocks and make time stand still. 

Where is Peter Pan when I need him. Why can't he come and take me to Neverland, second star to the right and straight on till morning. Why can't I fly? Fly far away from my troubles. 

From this pain.

Yet today I feel stronger. Despite all of this.

The pain of May 4th is slowly ceasing, but it will never fade. 

The demons are retracting their claws from my heart. It is starting to mend. Beginning to set me free. I have stopped re reading the last chapter, and a new one is beginning. Finally. I am learning saying goodbye.

The light is pushing through. Stronger and stronger it has become.

I am putting the past behind me.

My eyes are drifting upwards towards the horizon, my neck stiff.

Beauty is returning.

Human

Human. Isn't that what I am? I am not really sure anymore. These days I feel like nothing. I don't feel the tears streaming down my cheeks. I don't feel my heart beating. I don't even feel the knife cutting through my skin. The marks appear, and life is pumped through, yet I feel nothing.

I use to dance in the rain. Now I stand waiting for the lighting to strike.

You think you want to die, but in reality you just want to be saved.

I am only human, and I bleed when I fall down. Right?

There are words in my head, yet thousands of knives in my heart. 

All the pain and truth, I am wearing it like a battle wound. Fighting. I have pain and scars, I am broken and bruised. But I am not a warrior. I am just a girl who had to grow up too fast. 

I stopped checking for the monsters under my bed. Those never existed. The real monsters live with in me. Demons. Destructive. Vicious. Hateful. Beastly. There is no saving me. For how do you save someone from themselves. 

You can't.

Drowning in my tears. My heart is crying and no one seems to notice that my soul is slowly shattering into pieces. Crippled. Becoming paralyzed. 

I once thought I could fly. Soar through the clouds. and nothing would be able to touch me. But there is always something that will come and shoot you down. 

I don't know why they call it heartbreak when it feels like every other part of your body is broken too.

Broken.

Shattered.

Fractured.

Happiness. You are a memory that sneaks out of my eye, and rolls down my cheek.

I wish that you would return. But no, you are just a part that I play occasionally. It is never real. There is only the sting of pain that burns me under my skin. It runs through my veins, it runs with my blood.

I have spent hours folded in the pages of books. To escape. Immersed into different stories. Reading about their trials and hardships.

Then happily ever after.

But my story doesn't seem to end that way. It has turned out to be a tragedy.

I wish I wasn't afraid to let my feelings show. I wish I wasn't afraid to cry. Growing up crying always seemed to be the answer. Now that I am older crying seems to be the only option. I wish there was another way.

I hate to cry. Yet it is the only relief.

Crying is how your body speaks when your mouth can't explain the pain you feel.

Sooner or later I am going to wonder why I keep trying.

But for now I hold onto the eternal hope of happily ever after. 

To my humanity. 

Repossessed Hope

Emptiness and bitterness are trapped inside these eyes

Eyes of blue sky 

Tainted by darkness of demons of the past

Walking alone

Everyone seems to be staring

The ache in my chest is almost unbearable

I look at these painted walls

And see

Nothing

Just nothing

Nothing stands out to me

It is all monochromatic

The demons are trying to break free

Clawing at my heart

Turning it black

Raven black

Silence is burning inside

Yet thoughts are constant 

Make them all go away

Make the voices disappear

 Whisperings 

Murmurs

Echoing

Just make it stop....

Gasping for air

I cling, I cling

To my humanity, to what ever is left

These monochromatic walls are closing in

Rooms are spinning

Getting too dizzy

This ride needs to end

Fists hammer down

Pain

Sunlight is gone

There is nothing left but rain

Falling to my knees

I cave

The tide has swept me up

Now I am lost in the waves

Too tired to fight

I can't cope

There is no way to regain

My repossessed hope

....Hope

Let It Go

 Let it go , Let it go

Can't hold it back anymore

Let it go, let it go

Turn my back and slam the door

The snow glows white on the mountain tonight

Not a footprint to be seen

A kingdom of isolation and it looks like I'm the queen

The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside

Couldn't keep it in

Heaven knows I tried...

Don't let them in, don't let them see

Be the good girl you always had to be

Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know

Well now they know

Let it go, let it go

Can't hold it back anymore

Let it go, let it go

Turn my back and slam the door

And here I stand

And here I'll stay

Let it go, let it go

The cold never bothered me anyway

It's funny how some distance makes everything seem small

And the fears that once controlled me can't get to me at all

Up here in the cold thin air where I finally can breathe

I know I left a life behind but I'm too relieved to grieve

Let it go, let it go

Can't hold it back anymore

Let it go, let it go,

Turn my back and slam the door

And here I stand

And here

I'll stay

Let it go, let it go

The cold never bothered me anyway

Standing - frozen in the life I've chosen

You won't find me, the past is still behind me

Buried in the snow

Let it go, let it go

Can't hold it back anymore

Let it go, let it go,

Turn my back and slam the door

And here I stand

And here I'll stay

Let it go, let it go

The cold never bothered me anyway

 -Demi Lovato

Looking Back

I remember the smell of my grandmas perfume. The sweet yet vintage smell.

I remember when you called be beautiful.

I remember when I first started falling for you.

I remember the first time I rode my bike, the fear, the excitement, the freedom.

I remember when my best friend was shy and quiet. I created a monster.

I remember playing in the sprinklers. My cousin was visiting, the water twirling, our hair was drenched. Then my cousin poked me in the eye with a stick; we stopped playing after that.

I remember the smell of chocolate chip cookies.

I remember when bookshops smelled of books and not coffee; not that I mind the coffee smell.

I remember the smell of coffee when our friends and family came to visit our new home.

I remember our family reunion, and the barbecue that we had. The games, the laughter, and the drinking that was going on. I remember one of my aunts tripping on an inch of cement; and my cousin yelling "And there she goes."

I remember when pluto was a planet.

I remember when google was just a search engine.

I remember my mother's prayers, and they have followed me. They have clung to me all of my life.

I remember Thanksgiving at my grandparents house. And hating that we had to drive an hour just to get there. I remember wanting to leave. But then we started playing games and having fun.

I remember the last bell in elementary school.

I remember everything I want to forget.

I remember my 7th birthday party. My dad was painting my face, like he did at all of my parties.

I remember my dad chasing my around the kitchen with pliers in his hands. trying to catch my and pull my loose tooth out.

I remember him cooking pizza every Friday.

I remember him coming home from work everyday just was we were all sitting down at the table to eat dinner. He always showed up on time.

I remember sleeping by his side.

I remember the tattoo of an Indian chief on his shoulder. I remember it not being finished, he never went back to get it colored in; because he met my mom.

I remember coming home on Sunday. My dad sitting on the couch with whatever game was on that day.

I remember the day the police came to our house, and told us he had died in a car accident.

I remember seeing my mother cry.

I remember

I remember

I don't remember the sound of his voice.